Anxiety

I was feeling anxious

The incessant ache in my chest is back. It’s creeping up and rising into my throat with the certainty of the grave, and yet this feeling’s lack of urgency belies the frenetic pace at which the thoughts race. I want to scream out, a primordial feeling pushing me to escape, urges me to do anything in my power to escape these feelings. But that would be a return to the fallacious notion that these feelings have an off switch.

My eyes begin to water, and a desperate longing to cry overtakes me. The overwhelming waves of anguish will follow, I know, but it is no use; I have not been able to weep in years, and so I must again stifle this desire. My eyes dart, hoping to locate something, anything, to avail me, yet I am again disappointed. I venture a glance at my phone, hoping against hope that a message I know will never come is there. I chastise myself for being so foolish.

The ache has now inundated my throat, leaving me struggling to breathe. I feel as if I am gasping for air, though in truth I know I’ll never choke despite harboring a plain desire to do so. The thoughts come with such fervor that I am left with a migraine. Not of the piercing sort, of course, I would not be so fortunate. No, I am left with a dull discomfort that leaves my brain in a daze. Someone smiles at me, but I don’t smile back. I want to throttle them before I can calm myself. I hate myself for this.

There is now an indescribable tension in me. It is pulsing through my veins, and that desperation to run again overtakes me. But where to run? I have spent my whole life running, and where has it gotten me? A bottle, a smoke, a pill, or a needle might drown the misery, for a time. So might she. Though I know that, too, is only prolonging the inevitable. A tear runs down my cheek, and for a second, I dare to believe the floodgates will open. They don’t, and it nearly becomes too much.

All at once, I breathe. The ache subsides, retreating back to my heart where I know it lies in wait. The thoughts slow, and I am almost able to convince myself that I will be ok. Almost.